Back to the drawing board

It is early in the morning and I haven’t been able to sleep. Could it be a side effect? Who knows, but here I sit so I might as well talk to somebody.

Last (this?) night I went to a costume party. Yes, Halloween is officially over – don’t ask. I’ve been so tired and didn’t really want to go, but threw some devil horns on my head and donned a red shirt and called it good. The party was amazing actually – they must have spent thousands of dollars to decorate. Although I was able to socialize fine, I wasn’t exactly the life of the party either. Sure, I’ve been wiped out from the meds I’m on, but that I can fake my way through for a couple of hours. The problem is that I couldn’t eat or drink.

I, apparently, have lost all taste for alcoholic beverages. There will be some who know me well that might insist that this is a good thing, but I insist it is not. Even standing with a shot of Bailey’s in my hand was making me nauseas. I could smell the alcohol wafting up to my nose like it was rat poison. And there was the most delicious looking spread of food lined out and I had no desire to place a crumb of it in my mouth.

“What do you do with a date that doesn’t drink OR eat?” I asked my husband. A question that apparently had no answer. We left the party at 9:45.

(going to talk about my sex life here for a moment…mom, dad and anyone else who wishes can skip the next paragraph…)

Not only have I had to force-feed myself for the past week because lack of desire for all things gastronomical, I’ve had no desire for the physical, either.  Just for the sake of finding out to what extent the sexual side effects are, the va-jay-jay was taken for a test drive.  It took for freakin’ ever, people.  I did not think I was going to get there.  I was close for at least 20 minutes, sweating like a pig, until frustrated and annoyed I finally squeaked out a less than climactic climax.  Honestly, it just wasn’t worth it.

So, I want to know, what good is a life without food, drink and sex?

My mind is quieted, yes. But my body is miserable. I still have floaty arms (like restless leg syndrome, but the other appendages), and I’m exhausted all the time. And I’m emotionally flat. With this comes an astute ability to reason, which is kind of nice in a Vulcan-ish way, I suppose, but it’s just not me. I am not reasonable, dammit. I’m ready for Cymbalta to release the death grip on me already.

Yet, as miserable as it is to be in my body right now, it may get worse. I’ve recently read up on some horrible Cymbalta withdrawal symptoms. Yes, these are just some message boards and the worst case scenarios, but it just is a reminder that I am not playing with Tinkertoys here. This is serious stuff. But it just makes my resolve stronger to stop the stuff before it gets worse. Luckily I’ve only been on the stuff for a week so I don’t expect to suffer from any agitation, “brain zaps” (?) and other horrific sounding sensations.

A lot of the issues that were spinning around in my head previously have found a place of resolve in my life. I think I am going to be able to continue to face them bravely off the meds. I promise, though, that if I am not able, I will be right back in to the doctor’s office for a new prescription of something else.

Sure, my mind has been quieted. This is a good thing. But, sitting here with a clear head (but a miserable, tired body), I can’t help but think that there must be some other way. Another medication? Perhaps. But I’m starting to lean toward giving some alternative treatment a try – acupuncture and some St. John’s Wort might be the first line of defense.


2 Responses to “Back to the drawing board”

  1. 1 Cheeky November 3, 2007 at 9:41 am

    Many years ago when I took anti-depressants I experienced the same side effects and was similarly dissatisfied. If the side effects don’t outweigh the benefits, this might at least be, as I think you sort of mentioned, a good opportunity to step a little away from the trouble and gain some perspective on it, which might help you deal better should you decide to go back to no meds. However, I definitely think that trying herbs and other alternative remedies are a good idea as well. One herb that a couple of my friends rave about is Rhodiola rosea. They swear by the stuff. I pasted a link to article about it in the space where I’d usually put my blog url. The article makes it sound like more of a performance enhancer, but they use it as an anti-depressant and both claim that it really saved them.

    But regardless, whatever you try, good luck.

  2. 2 Doulala November 5, 2007 at 8:08 am

    I’ve been reading your posts about your depression and like I said before, I think I’ve found another one of my “soul sisters”. I went through something VERY similar last fall. As a matter of fact, I go into funks every fall, some better than others but they still happen like clockwork (this fall is no different).
    Meds didn’t work for me either. They actually made things worse. I’m glad that you are listening to your instincts by doing what feels right.
    Good luck with everything.

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