Welcome to the darkness. Population: me

So…I think I have some apologizing to do.

I’m obsessing over some of the things I wrote in my “chicken” post.  It reads as if I don’t love my friends – or that I need everyone to be the same person as me.  Actually, not everyone has to share everything in common with me to be my friend.  I’m realizing that the fact that I might be quite a bit different than some of my friends and they love me anyway is a really big compliment.  This isn’t to say that I shouldn’t seek out friends who I might share commonalities with.  But I shouldn’t stop loving the friends I have, either.

I’ve been bad lately about keeping up with friends.  I’ve avoided spending time with people I love. As it turns out, over the past few weeks/months, that little girl self-loathing voice has gotten bigger and bigger.  I’m spending much too much time checked out of life, parenting with only the least of effort.  I’m spending a lot of time worried about things I’ve said and didn’t say; things I’ve done and didn’t do and wondering if I’ve made the right decisions.  And I’ve come to worry about myself.

I’m in a dark hole, and it’s not the first time this has happened.  Rich and I have counted at least five times that I’ve fell into a hole like this.  Back when I was in the light, I told myself that next time it happened (and I knew enough to say that it would happen again), I would go see someone.  So I did.  I took the little quiz, the doctor added up my numbers, and he said, “Well.  You are DEFINITELY depressed.”  Like I didn’t know that from the way I’ve treated some of the people I love the most.  Depression, as the commercials say, hurts everyone.  And ironically I’ve begun taking the meds that that commercial advertises.  A depression pill in the morning; an anti-anxiety pill at night.  Uppers and downers.  I’m not a pill person, but even I can see that something needs to be done.

I’ve gone back and forth about blogging about this.  I know a few friends read this and a few family members and I hope they take this at face value only.  I don’t write about this to attention-seek, or to make anyone feel bad or sad or sorry for me.  (And no, the thought of suicide is NOT crossing my mind and it never has or will so don’t everyone all don’t freak on me, okay?)  I blog about it because maybe in my deep dark hole something good can come from me feeling so awful.


7 Responses to “Welcome to the darkness. Population: me”

  1. 1 Karen October 27, 2007 at 8:42 pm

    hey, you’re right, something good will come of it, because you already started taking care of yourself. I’m full of admiration for your courage and clear-sightedness even in the midst of your darkness.

  2. 2 Dan October 28, 2007 at 1:56 am

    Hang in there. As for the meds, I don’t know what you are on, but very often psych medication does work. It won’t lift you out of the hole, but it might provide you with a box to stand on so you can clamber out yourself.

    Let me know if you want my perspective on anything.

  3. 3 Lj October 28, 2007 at 4:32 am

    Well done for recognising your situation. I don’t know what to say to help but keep going. I’m thinking of you…

  4. 4 kkblaze October 29, 2007 at 10:04 am

    i wonder sometimes–is it possible to be a sensitive person in this day and age and not be depressed?

    sorry to hear that you, too, are having to fight this ever-present darkness. believe me, though–it’s far from a place with a population of 1. of the people with whom i attended high school and college, i’d say that only a few (of the women, that is; the guys don’t seem to be as affected in this way) are *not* on meds or haven’t been on meds at one time or another. myself included.

    i admire your bravery in speaking up about how you feel and how you’ve chosen to cope with it. that, in and of itself, demonstrates how strong you are. i’m also guessing that you probably spend most of your time caring for others, particularly your friends–i suspect they’ll surprise you with their ability to support you for a change if you let them.

    and, as the saying goes, “this too shall pass…like a gallstone….” 😉

  5. 5 Agatha October 29, 2007 at 10:17 am

    Have hope… it’s horrible when you backslide into a depressive phase – I feel for you. But it’s a phase, you’ll come out into the light soon, I know it.

    V brave to blog about this, braver than moi. x

  6. 6 Jessica October 29, 2007 at 11:29 am

    I’ve been there. Good for you for speaking up about it. And good for you for seeking help and taking charge of your health, happiness and well being.

    By writing about it you are not only helping yourself to be reflective but you are aiding others in knowing they’re not alone and you are also cataloging these feelings for later reflection. It will help you to recognize when you are going down that spiral again.

  7. 7 leighsteele November 3, 2007 at 12:47 am

    Just wanted to let you know that your courage is perfect, your questioning powerful, and your body strong.
    I hope your friends and family honor you along all the phases of your journey. I do.

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