Archive for October, 2007

Down the rabbit hole

The meds seem to have kicked in a teensy bit and I’m starting to feel a little better already, even though I’m not to expect any real progress for “one to four weeks” according to the packaging material.  I am, however, experiencing the side effects full on.  I have waves of a little catch in my throat like I could puke, which is quite like the experience of morning sickness if any of you have experienced that.  My arms feel sort of floaty and almost like the blood running through them is chilled.  I also am experiencing scattered thinking, medicine-head brain numbness, lost appetite, and a desire to sleep more than normal.  Oh, wait – those last things were there before the chemicals invaded my brain.

This weekend as is our usual custom, Rich and I went grocery shopping together while we dropped the kids off at the store’s free childcare.  Usually this time is a little mini-date for us – we goof around up and down the aisles and get to talk uninterrupted by Mommy I Wants and Daddy She Hit Mes.  This time I was not in any state to pal around, and as Rich placed items into the cart (items which he had to list and plan for himself), I floated around the store with a flat expression.  I may as well been moaning, drooling on myself and dragging my knuckles, it was so bad.  Who needs a Halloween costume when you already look straight out of something in Shaun of the Dead?  Later that night when I was feeling better, I made a joke about it and the two of us had a good laugh.  I suppose you might as well laugh instead of cry.  It was sorely needed.

The doc told me to keep involved in my daily activities – to make a list if I have to (list? I can do lists!)  and then carry it out.  “You sound like my husband,”  I said to him.  “But it’s easier to hear it from a doctor.”  Chuckle, chuckle.  Earlier in the week, in fact, I had snapped at Rich for suggesting several times that I just need to get out, exercise, and generally get myself involved in my life again.  He asked me what he can do to help.  “Stop saying things like that – that would help me!  If I was capable of exercising I would have been doing it already!”  It hurt him pretty badly considering how sincerely he was asking.

So I am trying to get back into life.  I’ll be walking for exercise again (starting tomorrow), and I’m actually doing the dishes and picking up the house, even though I’m not up to cleaning it outright just yet.  Besides, Rich cleaned it yesterday.  Have I mentioned how much I love him lately?  Well I do.  Even in this fog, I can appreciate how much I have and am thankful for in my life – stable finances, generally good health, and most importantly true love of my amazing husband and children.  With all this going for me, there is no reason I won’t be able to pick my knuckles off the ground, wipe the drool off my face and walk onward.

Welcome to the darkness. Population: me

So…I think I have some apologizing to do.

I’m obsessing over some of the things I wrote in my “chicken” post.  It reads as if I don’t love my friends – or that I need everyone to be the same person as me.  Actually, not everyone has to share everything in common with me to be my friend.  I’m realizing that the fact that I might be quite a bit different than some of my friends and they love me anyway is a really big compliment.  This isn’t to say that I shouldn’t seek out friends who I might share commonalities with.  But I shouldn’t stop loving the friends I have, either.

I’ve been bad lately about keeping up with friends.  I’ve avoided spending time with people I love. As it turns out, over the past few weeks/months, that little girl self-loathing voice has gotten bigger and bigger.  I’m spending much too much time checked out of life, parenting with only the least of effort.  I’m spending a lot of time worried about things I’ve said and didn’t say; things I’ve done and didn’t do and wondering if I’ve made the right decisions.  And I’ve come to worry about myself.

I’m in a dark hole, and it’s not the first time this has happened.  Rich and I have counted at least five times that I’ve fell into a hole like this.  Back when I was in the light, I told myself that next time it happened (and I knew enough to say that it would happen again), I would go see someone.  So I did.  I took the little quiz, the doctor added up my numbers, and he said, “Well.  You are DEFINITELY depressed.”  Like I didn’t know that from the way I’ve treated some of the people I love the most.  Depression, as the commercials say, hurts everyone.  And ironically I’ve begun taking the meds that that commercial advertises.  A depression pill in the morning; an anti-anxiety pill at night.  Uppers and downers.  I’m not a pill person, but even I can see that something needs to be done.

I’ve gone back and forth about blogging about this.  I know a few friends read this and a few family members and I hope they take this at face value only.  I don’t write about this to attention-seek, or to make anyone feel bad or sad or sorry for me.  (And no, the thought of suicide is NOT crossing my mind and it never has or will so don’t everyone all don’t freak on me, okay?)  I blog about it because maybe in my deep dark hole something good can come from me feeling so awful.

War: a 4-year-old’s perspective

Connor: Why are the people fighting on the other side of the world?

Me: It’s really complicated, but people fight wars for all kinds of silly reasons. Like who is bigger or better, or what God is like.

Connor: What do you mean people fight about what God is like?

Me: Well, it’s kind of like one group of people thinks God is pink and one group thinks God is purple. That’s not it exactly, but it is that silly really.

Connor: I think God wears red pants with a blue shirt!

Me: You can think God is like whatever you want to, sweetie. I kind of think of God as all of the love of everything in the world all at one place. That means that God lives inside you, too, where your love is.

Connor: Mommy, why do people fight about God? God wouldn’t want us to hurt each other.

Good question, kid. I wish I had an answer.

Perhaps it was premature for us to remove the babyproofing thingies after all

Daddy:  Connor, what is this doing in your room?

Connor: That’s the thing that lights up when you plug it in!

Mommy (to Daddy):  Oh my gosh…it’s all charred…

Daddy:  And the lights aren’t working either.  He must have blown a fuse.

I’ll probably get flack for saying this, but this is simultaneously horribly frightening and quite funny to me.  Needless to say we had a very serious talk about electricity and about getting into drawers he shouldn’t.  Also I’ll be going through my children’s rooms in great detail later today.

All I can say is thank God our corn cob holders are rubberized.

Pretending I’m famous for 15 minutes

Dan from Cafe Leone tagged anyone in his blogroll that hadn’t done the “Inside the Actors Studio” meme – the one that you answer Bernard Pivot’s questionnaire.  I might be one of the only people in the world who truly loves that show.  I wonder if it is still on the air?

As an aside, don’t you hate it when the actors pretend that they have to think about their answers to these questions?  Like they didn’t have them picked out weeks, or possibly years, before.  Is it just an excuse to do a little acting?

1. What is your favorite word?
I have to pick just one?  How about autodidact?

2. What is your least favorite word?

Frothy.  It is hard to say and usually refers to something disgusting.  My mouth even feels like it gets all frothy trying to say it.  That, or satchel.  Just ask my mom for the backstory on that one.

3. What turns you on creatively, spiritually, or emotionally?
When people naturally seek out and find the goodness in humanity and themselves.

4. What turns you off?

Racism, homophobia, sexism, and jokes at anyone else’s expense.
5. What is your favorite curse word?
I don’t swear often – but am known to curse when I really need to get my point across.  There is something about a female blond pacifist dropping the f-bomb in a business meeting.  It gets results.

6. What sound or noise do you love?
My father used to say, “Listen. Did you hear that kids?  Quieter.  Yes, there it is.  The sound of nothing.  Isn’t it the best sound you have ever heard?”  We thought he was just weird.  At this point in my life, I tend to agree with him.  If I had to pick an actual sound, it would have to be the breeze blowing through some tall evergreens.  In a quiet forest.  Do you see a theme here?

7. What sound or noise do you hate?
“Play the drum, everyone, play the drum!”

8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
Midwifery.  I bet you never saw that one coming…

9. What profession would you not like to do?
I hope I never have to go back to my former life in marketing communications.  Writing, strategizing (is that a word? Strategery!)  and creating for the sole purpose of making people buy something does not make my soul feel good.  You are especially good at marketing if you can get people to buy something they wouldn’t actually desire had you have not done your job.

In the news: breasts and other boobs

Read the Artful Flower’s inspired essay on breastfeeding and censorship here.

And watch the powerful Frontline on how Dick Cheney purposefully became Vice President just to “restore executive power” – or “create a tyranny” – however you may wish to interpret it.  The details of events are spelled out – I highly recommend a viewing online.

Out of the mouths of babes

Me: Wait a second, Connor. There’s a sticker on the bottom of your new shoes that I need to peel off.
Connor: What does it say?
Me: It says, “Non-marking shoe sole.”
Connor: What’s a non-marking asshole?

The jokes just make themselves here, don’t they?

Siena: (looking at my shirt) You give shirt to Aunt Anne?
Me: No. It’s mine. I think I’ll keep it.
Siena: You take off and wear this one? (Pointing to my tank top underneath)
Me: No thanks. I think I’d like to keep my shirt on.
Siena: Why? It’s not pretty.

Keep in mind she’s two. I think I’m going to have my hands full with this one…


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